poetry – JustLj.com

JustLj in January Part III

The Blog of Speed

January has a way of arriving already in motion. There’s no easing into it, no soft landing after December. It opens with momentum, expectation, and the quiet assumption that you should already know what comes next. This January felt especially fast. Not busy, exactly. Just quick.

Like events happened before I had time to give them proper weight. So for this month, the theme felt obvious: Speed. According to Webster, speed is defined as “the rate at which something moves or operates.” But beyond the definition, speed is a feeling.

It’s that sensation of time slipping ahead while you’re still orienting yourself. It’s the realization that moments don’t ask permission before becoming memory. Two things marked this month for me. I turned 31. And I was let go from a job.

Neither moment arrived dramatically. There was no buildup, no soundtrack. Just a quiet shift in circumstance. And yet both carried the same underlying truth: time is moving, whether or not we feel ready for it to.

Birthdays compress years into a single day. They invite reflection, whether you ask for it or not. Thirty-one didn’t feel heavy, but it felt clear.

Clear in the way numbers sometimes are. A reminder that days stack quickly. That two months become two years without ceremony. That life doesn’t slow itself, so we can keep up. Losing a job does something similar. It forces an ending you didn’t schedule. One moment you’re spending time on something, investing energy, imagining continuation. The next, that time is gone. Not reassigned. Just complete. That tension between “too fast” and “too late” is where this month’s poem came from.

Poem of the Month

by me

Speed

Too fast. Too soon. Too late.

Too gone. To move on.

To spend time on.

Too much. Too vast.

Too complex.

Two days.

Two months.

Two years.

One life.

What I’m Currently Working on

To stay updated on my journey and what I’ll be working on next, feel free to visit the Works in Progress Page or follow the Facebook Page, where I share daily updates and fun tidbits.

JustLj in August PART II

The Blog Post of Belonging

August slipped away before I could catch it. Perhaps that’s how months pass when your life is in a state of transition. You look up and realize whole weeks have vanished into something new. This month, the rhythm of my summer gave way to syllabi, assignments, and log-in screens. I officially began graduate school at the University of North Texas, pursuing a degree in Library Science with a focus on Children’s and Young Adult Librarianship. It’s still strange to write that out. Me, a grad student. Because if I’m being honest, I never really saw myself as “academic.” My path hasn’t always followed the neat, linear lines of a textbook.

And yet here I am, with discussion boards and readings stacked up next to piles of ready notebooks, stepping into a space that demands more of me than I expected. It’s exhilarating, yes, but it’s also a bit terrifying. Some days, imposter syndrome finds its way into the room before I do, whispering that maybe I don’t belong here. Which is why this month’s word feels so important. Belonging. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, belonging is:

“an affinity for a place or situation; the feeling of being comfortable and accepted.”

It sounds simple, almost effortless, as if belonging just happens the moment you arrive somewhere. But what I’ve learned is that belonging is rarely instant. More often, it’s something you grow into. Or something you create for yourself when the soil feels foreign. That tension is where I’ve been living for the past month.

One thing is certain: to say an unconditional yes to the mutual belonging of all beings will make this a more joyful world". - David Steindl-Rast Let's bring in February! 🥰🙌🌞

On one hand, there’s the thrill of grad school: new knowledge, new goals, the possibility of building a life rooted in the things I love most. On the other hand, there’s the ache of dislocation. I miss New Jersey: the friendships, the little routines that grounded me, the confidence I found in navigating a place that once felt strange and then became familiar. I carry those streets and people like a second skin. And yet, I had longed to return to Texas. I wanted the closeness of family, the comfort of being near the people who know me from the ground up.

Coming home felt like it should be the cure to longing. But Texas has greeted me with complexity. Beyond family, the culture doesn’t quite click for me; the energy feels different, sometimes even unwelcoming. So I am caught between two landscapes: one that holds my history and one that holds my heart. Neither feels like a perfect fit, and maybe that’s what belonging really is. The constant negotiation between where you are and who you are becoming.

Maya Angelou once wrote, “You are only free when you realize you belong no place. You belong every. No place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” I think about that often as I walk through my new routines. Perhaps belonging is less about perfect alignment and more about realizing that no place will ever feel complete without the courage to show up authentically. Brene Brown echoes this: “True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” That’s hard for me as someone who is still learning to stand fully in myself.

It’s easier to shrink or to question if I’ve earned the right to sit in the spaces I’ve found myself in. But Brown reminds me that belonging doesn’t come from fitting into the mold. It comes from refusing to mold myself into something Im not. And Rainer Maria Rilke offers a softer wisdom: “The only journey is the one within.” Which makes me wonder if belonging is less about the external. City, state, campus, or community. And more about the internal. If I cultivate belonging within myself, perhaps every place I live and every role I take on becomes another layer of that belonging, not the definition of it. So here’s what I know as August closes:

I may not fully belong to Texas, and I may not be as deeply rooted in grad school as I hope to be one day. But I belong to myself, to my values, and to the journey I’ve chosen to take. And maybe, for now, that is enough.

Poem of the Month

by me

I Belong to Me

I am the house I return to,

the key always waiting in my palm.

No city can lock me out,

no classroom can shrink my frame.

I carry my own doorway,

step through, and I am home.

The streets I’ve loved will fade into dream,

their voices stored in my marrow,

but they do not define me.

Even here, where the air feels strange,

my breath makes the map.

I mark the ground with presence,

not permission.

Belonging is not borrowed,

not granted, not earned.

It is grown like a flame in the ribcage,

a quiet fire that refuses to dim.

And when doubt comes knocking,

I light every window,

answer the door with my whole name.

I belong to me,

and in that,

I belong everywhere.

What I’m Currently Working on

To stay updated on my journey and what I’ll be working on next, feel free to visit the Works in Progress Page or follow the Facebook Page, where I share daily updates and fun tidbits.

JustLj in July PART II

The Patient Blog Post

Patience. I want to sit with that word for a second. Not rush into defining it or dressing it up. Just let it breathe on the page the way I’ve had to let it breathe in my life this month. Patience. It’s not my favorite virtue, and yet it’s the one I keep getting handed. Like an unwanted gift that turns out to be exactly what you needed, even if it didn’t come wrapped in joy or ease or immediacy. Not dramatically. But definitely. What is Patience, anyway?

The word comes from the Latin patiēntia, meaning “the quality of suffering”—which makes it make a lot more sense, actually. Patience isn’t waiting quietly with a smile on your face. It’s enduring. It’s staying when you want to leave. It’s breathing when everything tightens. It’s loving something, or someone, or yourself…even when you don’t have the proof yet that it’ll all be okay. There’s a quote I found that resonated with me:

“Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.”—Joyce Meyer

However, I’d like to push that a little further. Because sometimes a “good attitude” is just not lashing out. I didn’t give up. I let it hurt and didn’t make it worse. That counts too.

This month, I have been sitting with uncertainty. Big things. Personal shifts. And maybe most meaningfully, I embraced my genderqueerness more boldly than ever before. People I miss.Conversations unfinished. Doors that wouldn’t open, no matter how I knocked.

And you know what? I didn’t kick them down this time. I sat. I sat with the silence and the non-answer. I chose slowness even when I wanted to sprint. I let space exist between me and resolution.

I told myself: “Let it unfold. You don’t need to hold the ending yet.” And that wasn’t always peaceful. But it was patient. I think that counts too. Patience isn’t passive. It’s trust wearing sweatpants. It’s saying, “I still believe in the garden, even when all I see is dirt.” It’s choosing not to scream at the seed.

Poem of the Month

by me

How to Be Patient

Step one: sit with the ache.

don’t ice it.

don’t explain it.

let it be sore, let it breathe.

even if it bruises your pride.

Step two: stop refreshing the page.

the message will come when it comes.

the moment will move when it’s ready.

no amount of checking will make the clock hurry.

Step three: whisper kindness to yourself.

not promises. not platitudes. just

“I’m still here.”

“I’m still learning.”

“I’m still worth it.”

Step four: let life take the long way.

the shortcut never sees the view.

and you are here to witness

not just to arrive.

Story of the Month

by me

The Waiting Place

There was once a boy who was always rushing ahead, certain that life was hiding something better just around the corner. One day, he met an old woman sitting beside a still pond. She told him this was the Waiting Place.

“How do I get out?” he asked.

“You don’t,” she said. “Not until you learn to love the pause.”

He sat beside her, angry and aching and anxious, but she didn’t say another word. Just smiled softly, her hands in her lap like she had all the time in the world.

Eventually, he stopped asking.

Eventually, he started listening.

Eventually, the wind changed, the water moved, and he stood—lighter, slower. somewhere wiser.

He turned to thank her, but she was gone. Only her seat remained, still warm.

Im heading into August with the same warmth in my chest. I don’t have all the answers, but I’m staying close to the quiet. Close to the process. Close to myself. Patience isn’t easy, but it’s powerful. And I’m practicing it like a spell.

See you next month.

—Lj

What I’m Currently Working on

These days, my schedule feels like a careful balancing act as I shift from teaching to focusing on writing and refining my craft. I returned to Texas around June 20th, having completed my year of service in New Jersey. I’m no longer tutoring, as that was part of my program at the time. With middle school testing behind me, I find myself eagerly awaiting the start of my graduate school classes at UNT on August 18th. This past year has been quite transformative, and I’m excited to share my plans and the progress I’ve made during this time. To stay updated on my journey and what I’ll be working on next, feel free to visit the Works in Progress Page or follow the Facebook Page, where I share daily updates and fun tidbits.

JustLj in June PART II

The Shifting Blog Post

June didn’t crash or crescendo — it shifted. Quietly, slowly, almost imperceptibly at times. But I felt it. In conversations I didn’t force. In moments, I chose to sit with rather than fix. In the way I showed up for others, and maybe more importantly, for myself. This was the kind you notice when you’re brushing your teeth, staring at the ceiling, or standing still in a room that used to feel heavier. June moved me. Not dramatically. But definitely. And in a way that matters.

According to the Oxford Dictionary, to shift means “to change the place, position, or direction of something”— but it also means “to change gears,” “to assume responsibility,” or ” to move subtly in tone or meaning.” It’s a word built for motion, but not always motion you can see. As Maya Angelou once said, ” We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” And bell hooks reminds us, ” Healing is an act of communion.” To shift, then, isn’t just about you. It’s about adjusting in ways that let others breathe. Shifting can be an act of grace. A quiet apology. A new boundary. A softer tone. A deeper truth. A held silence.

Famous Quotes By Maya Angelou. QuotesGram

This June, the shifts were personal and real. My year of service came to an end— closing a chapter that stretched and shaped me in quiet, relentless ways. I moved back to Texas, returning with more clarity, more softness, and a deeper sense of who I am and who I’m still becoming. And maybe most meaningfully, I embraced my genderqueerness more boldly than ever before. During Pride Month, I didn’t just show up — I showed. I claimed space with both softness and strength, and I wrote it all down. Here’s a poem I shared this June, that still echoes in me:

May be an image of text that says 'I wore the shape they gave me. Stood where I was told to stand Flexed in all the wrong directions and wondered why it hurt to hold what never quite held me. then- You were there even quiet, soft-shouldered, waiting in the margins of the mirror with a knowing I didn't yet know. (But oh, I felt you. Felt me.)'

May be a graphic of text that says 'Il. NEUTRAL (Yellow & Smoke & Stillness) Now, I stand in-between with dirt under my fingernails and light in my lungs. No need to choose a box when I can be the space between them. Not undecided -just unbottered. Not hiding- -just humming. I build my breath here, in rooms with no ceiling, learning to be both door and key.'

May be an image of text that says 'III. FLUID (Lavender & Wild Water) Some days I shift mid-sentence. Some days I am sentence and song. Some days I am the question. Some days the poem. I move like weather. Like wonder. And you- You move with me. You always did. There's nothing broken about changing. There's nothing fake about becoming. There's only freedom in it. And it fits you like breath.'

May be an image of text that says 'IV. (Soft & Bright & Clarity) When she shows up in you, in the swing of a word, the curve of a wrist, the joy in being clocked right- don't flinch. She is not a mask. She is a mirror. She is your voice in another octave. Let her dance. Let her shimmer. Let her rest On you like sunlight and stay as long as she likes.'

May be an image of text that says 'V. QUEER (Color Compass) This is not a phase. This is not confusion. This is not for them. This is for you. This is you. The you who is too real to define, too full to simplify, too alive to settle. You are the space between binaries. You are a story truth in every silence. So turn it up. And let yourself sing'

Shifts are constant. That’s why, over the past two years of writing this monthly blog, a recurring theme has surfaced again and again–under different names like change, growth, and now shift. Each word marks a moment, a feeling, a phase of moving forward, even when the steps aren’t clear or easy. Change and growth have been anchors before, but this shift feels different — more fluid, less about arriving and more about navigating the in-between. It reminds me that to live authentically, we can’t settle. We have to keep moving, even when it’s uncomfortable or uncertain, because that movement is what shapes who we are becoming.

As the poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote, “Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.” This echoes the necessity of embracing shifts — not resisting the tides of life, but flowing with them. Similarly, Virginia Woolf observed, “Life is not a series of gig lamps symmetrically arranged; life is a luminous halo, a semi-transparent envelope surrounding us from the beginning of consciousness to the end.” The halo is never static; it moves and changes shape, just as we must. Even the philosopher Heraclitus famously said, ” You cannot step into the same river twice,” reminding us that change and shift are the very nature of existence. To live authentically, then, is to accept that we are always in motion, always becoming something new.

At the heart of all these shifts, growth, and changes is one undeniable truth: we are all human — imperfect, evolving, and beautifully complex. No one’s journey should be judged or rushed. As the Apostle Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Our vulnerabilities, our shifts, and our slow growth are not signs of failure, but of life’s grace working within us. Jesus himself said in John 13:34, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” That love includes compassion for ourselves and others as we move through seasons of change. So whether you’re shifting quietly, growing boldly, or changing completely, remember: this is your sacred path. Your pace is your own, and every step is worthy of respect and kindness— because being human means never standing still.

What I’m Currently Working on

These days, my schedule feels like a careful balancing act as I shift from teaching to focusing on writing and refining my craft. I returned to Texas around June 20th after completing my year of service in New Jersey. I’m no longer tutoring, as that was part of my program there. With middle school testing behind me, I find myself eagerly awaiting the start of my graduate school classes at UNT on August 18th. This past year has been quite transformative, and I’m excited to share my plans and the progress I’ve made during this time. To stay updated on my journey and what I’ll be working on next, feel free to visit the Works in Progress Page or follow the Facebook Page, where I share daily updates and fun tidbits.

Poem of the Month

by me

Unworthily Worthy

— all about being human and still deserving to be seen.

Worthy Pictures | Download Free Images ...

They said I stood too close to the

wrong people.

But I only ever stood beside

humans.

And that’s what we all are—

not right or wrong,

good or bad,

just…human.

Messy,

misunderstood,

changing shape in each other’s

eyes.

We lie sometimes.

We love sometimes.

We lash out and we let go.

We grow and we grieve and we

get it wrong.

That’s being human.

Not better. Not worse.

Just—

born into brokenness,

carrying light in some rooms

and shadows in others.

And if being close to someone

flawed

makes me questionable,

then we’re all guilty

of being human together.

You can’t know someone’s worth

by who they sit beside.

You can’t measure a heart

by another”s history.

We are not math.

We are not clean.

We are not pure or impure.

We just are.

And that is.

We all walk with contradictions—

mine just showed up in who I

chose to see.

But still,

I believe we’re worth the seeing.

JustLj in May PART II

The Remembering Blog Post

Hi friends, We’re at the end of May, and if you know me, you know I always land on one word to hold the month’s meaning. This time, the word is remember.

According to the Oxford Dictionary, remember means “to have in or be able to bring to one’s mind an awareness of (someone or something from the past).” And today, on Memorial Day — a day we set aside to remember and honor those who’ve gone before, particularly those who gave their lives in service — that word feels even heavier, even more alive. I’ve been sitting with that weight all month. Maya Angelou reminds us: “We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated. I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”

This May has been a month of looking back and looking forward. Exactly one year ago today, I was standing in cap and gown, graduating from SNHU — heart full, future wide open. Now, I stand at the edge of another goodbye — wrapping up my time with the GOLegacy Foundation fellowship, preparing to part ways with students and staff who have shaped my days, my work, and honestly, pieces of who I’ve become this past year.

There’s something sacred in this moment — the in-between space where you hold the past close while stepping into what’s next. To remember is not just to look back. It’s to choose which parts of yourself you carry forward. It’s to let memory shape you, but not chain you.

It’s to honor who you’ve been — and then dare to become someone even braver, even fuller, even more yourself. So here’s to remembering — and to being memorable, not because we chased it, but because we showed up fully.

Thanks for walking this month with me. See you in June.

What I’m Currently Working on

These days, my schedule feels like a careful balancing act as teaching, writing, and refining my craft take center stage. With testing for middle schoolers beginning, work has slowed down a bit, but it remains high maintenance as I navigate these critical weeks. As I look ahead to the end of my one-year contract on June 13th, I have only 3 weeks left. I’m eager to share my plans and the progress I’m making during this time, such as my acceptance into UNT for graduate school this fall. To stay updated on my journey and what I’ll be working on next, feel free to visit the Works in Progress Page or follow the Facebook Page, where I share daily updates and fun tidbits.

Poem of the Month

by me

Remembering to be Memorable

remember:

you were here.

you mattered.

you left fingerprints on the hours,

on the rooms you walked through,

on the hearts you met and mended.

remember:

you won’t get it all right,

but you did get some things right.

you stayed.

you tried.

you softened when you could have hardened.

you listened when you could have turned away.

remember:

being memorable isn’t about being loud.

it’s about leaving something behind

that’s gentle,

lasting,

felt in the quiet moments

when no one is watching.

remember:

as you go —

the best parts of you are not over.

they are unfolding,

becoming,

waiting

in the next place,

the next face,

the next you.

JustLj in April PART II

The Blog Post of Momentum

This season of renewal is a poignant reminder of how momentum manifests in our lives, both literally and metaphorically. Just as the world around us springs back to life, I find myself in a space of transition, bidding farewell to my fellowship program while also stirring with anticipation for the new journey of graduate school ahead.

Spring is that beautiful time of year when everything seems to awaken from its slumber—flowers bloom, trees bud, and the days grow longer, symbolizing hope and resilience. In the same way, I am moving through my own cycle of endings and beginnings. Ending my fellowship program feels bittersweet; I’ve cherished the connections and experiences that have shaped my path. Yet, as I say goodbye, I also feel the undercurrents of momentum pulling me toward the exciting prospect of further education—an essential step in my personal and professional growth.

Momentum is often defined in physics as the quantity of motion of a moving body, but it also represents the drive and energy that propel us forward in life. It’s that powerful force that keeps us moving, especially through times of uncertainty. As Arthur Ashe famously said, “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” This embodies the essence of momentum. It’s not always about being at full speed; sometimes, it’s about taking that first small step, even when it feels daunting.

I’ve sensed this struggle vividly—the challenge of starting something new often feels heavier than the act of keeping it going. The inertia of beginnings can be overwhelming, as we contemplate the vast terrain of possibilities that lie ahead. Yet, once we begin, once we harness the energy of our intent, the sheer act of engaging pushes us forward. Like Newton’s first law of motion states, “An object in motion stays in motion,” this principle resonates deeply; once we find that initial push, momentum carries us with grace.

As I move through this transitional period, I am learning that the power of momentum is especially vital when motivation wanes. There are days when I might not feel inspired, or the weight of uncertainty clouds my perspective. It’s during these moments that I rely on the momentum I’ve built through focus and dedication, reminding myself that even small strides add up. The slow build to action is just as significant as leaps forward; every step nurtures the growth I seek.

The intersection of goodbyes and new beginnings can be emotional, but it’s also rich with potential. Each farewell carries with it the lessons learned, while each new endeavor is filled with hope. As I reflect on my journey, I’m grateful for the support of friends and mentors who have fueled my momentum, encouraging me to embrace change with open arms.

I encourage you all to consider the role of momentum in your lives. Whether you’re ending a chapter or beginning a new one, recognize the energy that springs forth in these transitions. Allow yourself to feel the rhythm of motion that invites growth, and remember that while the start may feel slow, the journey often gathers speed over time.

What I’m Currently Working on

These days, my schedule feels like a careful balancing act as teaching, writing, and refining my craft take center stage. With testing for middle schoolers beginning, work has slowed down a bit, but it remains high maintenance as I navigate these critical weeks. As I look ahead to the end of my one-year contract on June 13th, I have only 6 working weeks left. I’m eager to share my plans and the progress I’m making during this time, such as my acceptance into UNT for graduate school this fall. To stay updated on my journey and what I’ll be working on next, feel free to visit the Works in Progress Page or follow the Facebook Page, where I share daily updates and fun tidbits.

Poem of the Month

by me

First Push

Person Pushing Vector SVG Icon - SVG Repo

It’s not the motion.

It’s the moment before it.

That stillness that

sticks to your skin.

That breath you hold

because starting feels

like breathing something.

You don’t want to fail.

You don’t want to fly either.

Too much wind

It’s just as scary as the wall.

But then–

A toe shifts.

A breath, let’s go.

A truth unclenches.

And the body remembers

what the spirit forgot:

How to move.

Not fast.

Not clean.

But real.

You don’t need speed.

You need the push.

You need the nudge.

You need the small voice

That says,

Go.

That’s momentum.

Not magic.

Not easy.

But alive.

And already in you.

JustLj in JanuaryPART II

The Blog Post About BIRTHDAY Complexity

Birthdays can be a double-edged sword. For many, they are moments of celebration and joy, a time to gather with loved ones and reflect on the past year. Yet for others, particularly those who have walked through darkness, they can evoke feelings of introspection, nostalgia, and sometimes even sorrow. As someone who has grappled with thoughts of suicide, I’ve come to realize that birthdays represent a complex interplay of emotions and experiences.

On one side, there’s joy—the happiness of another year of life, a moment to celebrate milestones and personal growth. However, there’s also reflection on what has transpired, the struggles faced, and often the painful memories that can resurface. Like I exhibit in my blog post from my birthday last year when I share my poem AS I LAY ME DOWN:

As I lay me down to sleep

One last post to

his Facebook feed.

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

He types, clutching a bottle of

pills ready.

But if I should die

before I wake

He hits post and

hopes for his end.

I pray God my soul

will take

He’d rather die than keep

making countless mistakes.

But if I should live for other

days, I pray

The Lord guide my way

And here I am still today.

Each year, we are reminded not only of how far we’ve come but also of the battles we’ve fought, some of which may still linger. In reflecting on my own experiences, I’ve found that taking a step back during these times can be crucial. I think about the importance of embracing both the light and the shadows that come with birthdays.

When we confront our emotions and allow ourselves to feel—even the difficult ones—we open up the possibility for healing. I remember a quote that resonates with me: **Albert Einstein**: “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” This idea encapsulates the essence of what many of us face—noticing that setbacks or dark times may also provide us the chance to rebuild, to reevaluate, and to appreciate the life we have.

As I reflect on past birthdays, including my twenty-ninth, I recognize a shift in my perspective. The years leading up to this point were filled with challenges that shaped my outlook on life. Each birthday now feels like a celebration not just of life but of resilience—the ability to keep moving forward, despite the odds.

Here is a look at my differences of perspectives from 29 to thirty through a birthday poem I wrote last year to the one I wrote this year:

“Happy Birthday To Me”

Twenty-nine years today

have come and gone.

I can’t believe that I

have lived this long.

Eighteen years, I thought,

was enough. What will become

waits for us.

Eleven years more, I

have gotten past that.

Over four hundred bright

new days I have seen with

all their clumsy blessings.

Just shy of one thousand

hours I almost didn’t see.

I have decided to keep running.

All the endless possibilities and

beauty I never could see

before I truly started living.

Eleven. Eighteen.

Twenty-nine.

“Twelve. Eighteen. Thirty.”

It’s my Birthday again

Twelve years

of just straight living.

since

Eighteen years of age

I tried to stop my existence.

Thirty years old now,

Jesus that’s crazy!

Twelve. Eighteen. Thirty.

it’s my birthday once more.

Twelve years of living, breathing,

since

Eighteen’s desperate night

I tried to silence my heart’s light

Thirty years old now,

Jesus, that’s a miracle.

I often think about the tools that help me navigate these feelings. Engaging in mindfulness, connecting with others, cultivating gratitude, and practicing self-compassion have all become essential practices. They remind me to stay present, to acknowledge my struggles, and to cherish the moments of joy that arise amidst the chaos.

Additionally, taking breaks and expressing my feelings through writing have been therapeutic. These practices support my mental health, especially during birthdays when emotions can feel particularly heightened. They foster a sense of renewal that allows me to enter a new year with hope and determination.

I encourage anyone wrestling with their feelings about birthdays—or any significant milestones—to give themselves the grace of reflection. Embrace the complexities and allow yourself the time to recharge. Entering a new year can serve as a powerful reminder that, while we may face darkness, there is also light to be found.

In a world that often encourages constant celebration, it’s okay to step back and acknowledge the full spectrum of our emotions. Whether through quiet moments of meditation, heartfelt conversations with loved ones, or simply taking a walk to clear our minds, let’s honor our journeys and the unique paths we have traveled.

Each year brings new possibilities—a chance for growth, healing, and a deeper appreciation for life. So, let’s embrace our complexities, lift each other up, and step forward into 2025 with open hearts and renewed spirits. Here’s to both the celebrations and the reflections that shape us, making every birthday a meaningful part of our journey.

What I’m Currently Working on

These days, my schedule feels like a balancing act of teaching, writing, and refining my craft. As I look ahead to the year winding down and the prospects of what comes after July, I’m eager to share my plans and continued progress. To stay updated on my journey and what I’ll be working on next, feel free to visit the Works in Progress Page or follow the Facebook Page, where I share daily updates and fun tidbits.

Poem for the Month

This month I am going to do something a little diffrent as I am going to post a poem of one of my friends they wrote to me for my Birthday. I am going to do so annamylously because I do not have permision to share it. However it highlights the sentiment I discussed about friends and connections helping in these times of complexities. this amazing friend wrote this nameless poem in resonse to my poem “Twelve Eightenn Thirty.”

Mr. Lj is truly great,

he has a heart of gold and a mind that shines,

even in the darkest of nights,

it’s no secret he is a true delight,

for if there was no Eccles,

there’d be no bright ideas from a friend in sight.

So happy birthday Mr. Lj Eccles,

your kindle could never be smothered,

that’s why from 18 to 30

you doubled your wisdom

that 12 to 18 could not have envisioned.

JustLj in November : Blog 1 year Anniversery

The Blog Post About Friends

First things first, it’s hard to believe that I’ve been writing this little monthly blog for a whole year. I originally started it for a class, but it’s since evolved into a significant part of my life, especially in light of everything that has happened this year. If you’ve been following along, you’re already aware of my journey.

I graduated from college, moved to New Jersey, and continued my path of self-discovery. A key aspect of this journey has been building connections. As someone who struggles with social anxiety, lacks confidence, and has a natural shyness, making any kind of connection has always been challenging for me. I have a large family, and while those connections are important, they have their own difficulties.

That could be a topic for a future post, but today’s focus is on friendships. Making friends has never come easily to me. When I was younger, I had many friends, but they were more superficial connections. I wore a mask that prevented them from truly knowing me, as I didn’t allow myself to be vulnerable. Unsurprisingly, after a significant event in my life at eighteen, when I attempted to take my own life, most of these “friends” disappeared.

Since then, I haven’t put much effort into forming authentic friendships due to fear. However, to my surprise, I’ve managed to build true friendships here in New Jersey, thanks to amazing, patient, and understanding individuals. It has been a challenge, but I finally feel loved, seen, heard, and cared for.

While it may seem unusual for a personal journey, building connections with others is a crucial part of the process. I spent a long twelve years focusing on self-work, but I’ve now entered a new phase where I am actively working on my connection-building skills and discovering who I can be as a friend. This is a significant and challenging step for me but one that is necessary for my ongoing journey of authentic self-discovery. Our identities cannot be defined in isolation; they are shaped by our connections with others. Friends play a vital role in helping us understand and convey our identities to the world.

What I’m Currently Working on

These days, between work and personal projects, my schedule seems to be a juggling act of teaching, writing, and refining my craft. I’m excited about the new poems I’ve been crafting alongside my students, capturing their voices and experiences, which parallel my own journey of learning. As always, to follow my progression or what I am doing, you can head over to the Works in Progress Page or follow the Facebook Page where I post updates and share fun tidbits daily.

Author Recommendation

Poem for the Month

If you follow me on social media, then you will have already seen the following poem. It is titled mirror and is a recent poem I wrote. It explores seeing yourself differently because of the way others see you. This goes perfectly with this month’s theme as, more often than not, our friends see us differently ( hopefully in more of a positive light) than we see ourselves.

May be an image of rearview mirror and text

JustLj in September

People should acknowledge the right to self-identity - Hillsdale Collegian

The Blog Post of IDENTITY

As I sat down to write this blog post with thoughts of Identity possibly being the topic of theme this month, I found myself shocked as I looked through my ten past blog posts dating back to November (which is crazy to think it has already almost been a year since I started this website journey), because surely I thought I had already written on the topic. Alas, though, I have not written one single blog on Identity solely, although it is at the forefront of all my writing. This website highlights the pure essence of my Identity and the importance of Identity as a concept to me.

However, since I have yet to write one, this eleventh blog will focus primarily on Identity, so let’s go! According to Oxford, Identity is defined as the fact of being who or what a person or thing is. Okay, Oxford! Way to simplify that (Ha). That’s the thing with Identity; it is not simple and is so so hard to define, so good effort, Oxford.

Defining Identity, especially one’s own Identity, takes time; we aren’t truly ourselves until we fully come to an end, so that’s the trick. Identity is constantly changing, adapting, and ever-evolving. The key to it is being aware of that. Noticing and grasping the pivotal moments of ourselves and who we are is important to self-awareness. Frankly, it is hard, tiring, and stressful, but ultimately beneficial to your life and success. My Identity has been a struggle pretty much from birth.

Born to two individuals who had previous marriages and already six children between them before they had me, though beautiful, was an instant thrust into difficult identity struggles. Unfortunately, being in a blended family causes a lot of pointing and staring. Then, on top of that, as a child, I had a speech impediment to which most people, even my mother, really couldn’t understand me, so I was in my head a lot from a very early day. Because of that, I already asked myself pivotal identity questions, but I really couldn’t ask anyone about them.

I also am and was raised Christian, so honestly, that didn’t stop the questions from stopping. Fast forward because of these important key factors in my Identity and the struggle with them up to that point, my major anxiety sneaked into me and introduced me shortly after to its friend and partner depression, which tried to but failed to have me meet its bride death. And now, here I am because of those major elements of my Identity and several more. I am here today as the person I am, JustLj.

What I’m Currently Working on

I have now been living in NJ going into three months now, with my year of service as a fellow with the GoFoundation in full swing. This new venture and opportunity currently has been taking up most of my time, but I am hoping as I adjust and the year progresses, it won’t take up as much time as it has, so I can continue my blogging and writing as I was before. I am still also busy submitting my poems and short stories anywhere and everywhere. As always, to follow my progression or what I am doing, you can head over to the Works in Progress Page or follow the Facebook Page where I post updates and share fun tidbits daily.

Author Recommendation

Poem for the Month

This month in the spirit of identity I am going to focus these sections on my self and share two poems. The first is actually one I wrote alongside my students at work during tutorial as we read a collection of three poems about dual identity from Annie Donwerth- Chikamatsu. The other was inspired from my attendance of a night out listening to poetry this past weekend at the Blank Studios.

JustLj in June

Brown Eyed Girl Conquers the World: Growing Up

The Blog Post about Growing/Moving On

This month’s blog is an exciting one for me because I can finally share my plans post graduation. As many of you know, at least if you’ve been reading these monthly posts, I graduated from Southern New Hampshire University (SNHU) last month. That said, Im sure, like myself, you all may have been wondering what comes next for me now. As the above picture and the title of this blog post suggest, that is exactly what I will be writing about this month as I tackle the topic of moving on and growing.

As I have grown and come to know myself through almost thirty years of living, one central thing I know about myself is that I must follow up on victories quickly. No matter how big or small the victory, I have to follow it up almost immediately, or my mind will rule it as a failure instead. I knew that with gaining my college degree, the stakes were going to be huge because of the time and dedication I put into it. The likelihood of falling into a deep, long depression afterward if I didn’t line something up after graduation that continued or at least aligned some way to my degree in English and Creative Writing was high. The growth of my awareness of myself redied me for this inevitability, so much so that I did not allow it to be an option by any means. In fact, I have had a job/opportunity lined up for some time now, even before my graduation, but I have been waiting till closer to time and for certain details to be finalized until I announced it. I worked my butt tirelessly the last couple of months of studying at SNHU, sending out resumes and cover letters far and wide; little did I know far and wide was exactly where this ambitious, desperate determination to move forward and onward off of my momentum of college completion would take me.

I am excited and proud to share that I will be serving as a Go Fellow with the GoFoundation through Americorps. This role will be a teaching/tutoring fellowship opportunity that will see me working with young minds in reading. Not only will I be helping to expand and grow minds, but this opportunity will also be one of great potential for my continued growth and moving on after graduation. However, this great opportunity will also literally also see me moving for a year.

I will be moving from Texas to Newark, New Jersey, for my year of service with the foundation from July 29th to June 2025. The opportunity has provided housing and other such benefits. This is something I would not have even considered even a little if it wasn’t for growth, awareness, and moving on from bad habits and limitations. Don’t get me wrong, this was not an easy decision whatsoever; lots of thought and deliberation has gone into it because I have to make sacrifices for it, such as leaving my beloved dogs with my family for the year, not to mention I have never lived outside of Texas as I depict in this poem I wrote for the occasion:

As the time for my big move gets closer I have been in deep thought over it all. I couldn’t be more grateful for my family during this time, as they have been a big help in helping me move on to this opportunity and see it as the right move to keep growing. Another big help has been reading young pueblo’s Clarity & Connection, a collection of poetry about moving on, growing, and awareness. The moral of this story, folks, is knowing yourself and seeing the growth you are making, as well as the growth you could achieve, leading to opportunity and hopefully leading then to success and happiness. I am not saying it will be easy; Lord knows it hasn’t been for me, but it being difficult shouldn’t stop you. Like the poster picture for this blog states, you have to keep moving to keep your balance, or else you will just be left stuck on the ground; life is all about growth and moving on and forward, not staying in place and looking back.

What I’m Currently Working on

As you can guess, after reading the above blog, I am hard at work getting ready for my move to NJ and my year of service as a fellow with the GoFoundation. I am also busy submitting my poems and short stories any and everywhere. As always, to follow my progression or what I am doing, you can head over to the Works in Progress Page or follow the Facebook Page where I post updates and share fun tidbits daily.

Author Recommendation

this month’s author recommendation is Stephen Chbosky. The Perks of being a Wallflower is one of my favorite books and aligns perfectly with my theme this month. For those who have never read it, I highly recommend it. Chbosky creates the perfect young struggling, unperfect, and realistically messy hero in Charlie. The teen struggles as most teens do, but Charlie’s are dark and tied to his past and going through changes, so yes, you could say moving on and growing are big themes in this YA title, as can be seen in this quote from the book:

“So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

This book is not just a great read but a necessary reminder that moving on and growing, especially as a young person and someone with mental illness, is a very important aspect of life if you want to achieve happiness.

Poem for the Month

Reads with Ravi on X: "when in doubt, remember you have: https://t.co/mC8LhQzlIi" / X

By: yung pueblo